This past weekend has made me realize one simple thing – I hate drama…

I am sick of people bothering me about problems that I can’t fix, and I wouldn’t want to if I could. I am tired of girls being absolutely ridiculously unreasonable and disrespectful. I am tired of ending up in the middle of situations that make me so angry that I can’t actually voice my opinions, as it would have too deep a ripple effect through my group of friends.

It’s time to turn a leaf. A new day. For focussing on work, exercise, TV, sports and thickening the bonds I have with true friends – people I can rely on 100%, people I can trust – I mean, after all, isn’t that the definition of friend?

What I’m missing the most however, and this could probably solve all these problems, is that one person in your life who you can turn to about anything, and they know you so well, you don’t even really have to say what you want to say; they’ll somehow know…by reading your eyes, face, body – they..just..know. Coming home from a long day, you can walk in the door, see them sitting there, their eyes look up innocently, and they don’t know what you’ve been through, they’re not like the people you’ve had to deal with…That look, that feeling you get, that serenity it gives you..just makes me nod and internally thankfully say “yes, I’m home.”

I don’t admit it to her, my friends or even myself how much I really miss her. She is in a city 10hrs drive away (where I used to live…some of the best years of my life) and I visited with my friends a few weeks ago; seeing her brought about a mixture of feelings: happiness, excitement, confusion, sadness, anger but most of all, caring about everything that is her - love. And maybe love is a mixture of all those feelings combined anyway…who knows. And of course, because I don’t deal with feelings whatsoever, I push her away…the one chance I get to spend a few hours with her…I ruin it. The most annoying of all though, is that I want to be with her, but because I have no idea where I’ll be with my work in 1 year, 2 years or 5 years from now – it could be the other side of the world – I don’t want to drag her along in that; it wouldn’t be fair to her. But it’s tough, some days I think about quitting what I do altogether and becoming an awesome diving instructor in a tropical land, live with her free of the world’s judgement and have the perfect life. And other days I want to beg her to come live with me and join me in life wherever I go…unfortunately neither of these are plausible options.

I don’t know what to do about all this…do I try to keep something going with this girl and potentially become a heavy anchor for her, dragging her down and preventing her from moving on properly…or do I let her go fully and end up having to deal with more of this dramatic crap that comes with being single.

All in all, life moves along…so let’s just hope the NE Patriots win the Superbowl.

I miss the days where things were just simple.

No worrying about ANYthing but what am I going to do tonight or today.

Now it seems like a continuous battle with time between work and life…I don’t know what direction it is taking us in, where the destination is, or what it holds for us. I am continuously doubting my future. The million dollar question, in my opinion, and for my life, is career or life?

Career

Do I devote my life to my career, do I go where it takes me, or where the company(ies) want me to go. Do I allow them to have a grander control over my life than just a paycheck — or do I just simply keep them at arms length? Hence, do I build my life around my career is the question.

Life

Do I devote myself to building a life before I worry about where my career takes me. Do I potentially sacrifice a better, take-me-higher job for a lesser one to make sure I accommodate all people in my life? 

I don’t know. Maybe another year will reveal the true course. Maybe not. 

IF not, I really do not know where I will go, what choice I will make. 

You…happened. 

The favorite song of the “crazy cat” Leo